5 lessons to learn from having your trust broken.
Have you ever done something and when you look back you wondered what you were thinking?
Well, I have.
For example, when I was a teacher, I once took a group of high school seniors to visit an ethanol processing factory. Ethanol is what we commonly refer to as ‘alcohol’. We were doing topics in organic chemistry. The students were learning that ethanol(alcohol) can be made by fermentation.
I thought that a field trip on this topic would bring the subject matter to life for them. I got the necessary permission from their parents and the school administrators. We were off to learn as much as we could. We had an enjoyable time and the students gathered invaluable information.
At the end of the visit, we gave our host a thank-you gift. In return, we were given small samples of some of their alcoholic products.
On our return to school, I divided up the samples and gave them to the students to take home to their parents.
I should have known better!
Word got back to me that a few of the students had opened their samples and drank them. While the samples did not contain much, alcohol drinking on the school campus and drinking at their age is NOT allowed.
I was mortified.
I had not thought the matter through as carefully as I should have. I gave students alcohol samples.
I was not sure if the school administrators were aware of what was happening, but I went to them anyway. I explained what had happened and offered my profound apologies. I took full responsibility for everything.
I felt bad about the entire situation. How could I have given students alcohol? I asked myself that question repeatedly.
But I knew the answer.
I trusted them to do the right thing. I expected them to take the samples home as they said they would. After all, they were the seniors in the school.
But my trust was broken.
Here are some valuable lessons I learned that day:
1) Realize that everyone is not like you
The reality is that everyone is not like you and thus cannot behave like you. You are honest. It does not mean that everyone who enters your life will also be honest.
Some people will tell us what we want to hear to get what they want. They will even call it “winning”.
This has been one of my major struggles. I tend to think that everybody is like me. If I say that I am going to do something, you can expect it to be done.
Thus, if you give me assurance on an issue, I will believe you.
It does take effort to decipher the lies from the truth.
2) We should let people earn our trust
I trusted the students, but what had they done to earn that trust? Nothing.
Even though they were good students, I did not know them well enough on an individual or personal level. So, my trust was misplaced.
If you expect someone to behave in a certain manner, then it is only reasonable that you take the time to find out if the person can live up to that expectation.
Trust must be earned and that takes time. Not days, weeks, or months, but years.
This does not mean that you start from a position of distrust. You start from a position of openness, allowing people to show you whether they can be trusted.
3) Trust that someone will behave according to their nature
Allowing the students to take their alcohol samples home was like handing candy to a five-year-old and telling them not to eat it.
There may be a few who won’t eat the candy, but the majority will.
The fact is that children will be children.
4) Trust the actions of people rather than their words, spoken or written
The only way we are going to know what is in a person’s nature is if we pay attention to their actions.
If you know that John is dishonest with his friends, why wouldn’t you think he is going to be dishonest with you too?
“A person’s actions will tell you everything you need to know about them, pay attention.” ― Joe Mehl
5) Focus on yourself rather than on the person who did the ‘wrong’
This will give you a chance to evaluate the part (if any) you may also have played in causing the situation to come about.
Use it as a learning experience.
Begin to question how and why you allowed yourself to become a victim.
I could have spent time thinking about how the students had let me down. Instead, I used the time to figure out what made me give alcohol to students believing that they would not drink it.
Let’s turn the spotlight on ourselves and see what we need to change in our own lives. That’s how we grow.
What does this all mean?
Does it mean that you should not trust anyone? Of course not!
I for one have people in my life that I trust completely.
Still, for those that I do trust, I trust them while realizing that they are imperfect and so am I. As a result, they may betray my trust at times. However, because I have come to know them on a personal level, I am confident that they will not break my trust on purpose.
Take Away
Everyone is not like you.
Let people earn our trust.
Trust that someone will behave according to their nature.
Trust the actions of people rather than their words, spoken or written
Use the situation as a learning experience.
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